the truth behind feeling anrgy

INTRODUCTION - THERAPY/IOP AND HOW VALUABLE IT'S BEEN

I went to therapy 3-4 times a week, 3 hours each day, for 3 months straight so you don't have to! Just kidding. Please go to therapy if you need and/or want to. This video [refer to youtube video] is not a replacement for legitimate psychological treatment. I am not at all, by any means a professional or expert, just someone who's been through it.

At the beginning of the year, I completed an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) due to some pretty severe mental health struggles. If you're unfamiliar, IOP is a non-residential treatment program for mental health. I decided to enroll in something like this back in November because my mental health had reached a point where I was just sabotaging situations and relationships in my life, hurting myself and those around me. I was becoming a terrible person, behaving in shitty ways, completely misaligned, lost, and disconnected from who I actually wanted to be; who I knew I needed to be. I knew deeper, extensive care to help steer me in a better direction wasn't simply just a choice of mine, it became necessary.

While researching, I came across this facility called A Mission For Michael and thankfully they had a tele-health IOP program (they called it Mission Connection). This varied patient by patient but for me, it consisted of therapy starting at 4 times a week, 2 groups a day, 1.5 hours each, for 12 weeks. Around the last month or so, I went 3 times a week.

I was extremely hesitant at first. The idea of attending therapy THAT much per week seemed daunting. And group therapy, at that! I remember first getting off the phone with them when they told me the details of the program. "I'm not sure I could commit to that..." I told them, not sure if I'd ever contact them again.

Ultimately, I realized it could be really good for me. And it was. I'm grateful everyday I made that decision and had people around me that encouraged me to go. What I really ended up liking about it is that we were given the opportunity to interact with different mental health professionals instead of just one therapist. I also enjoyed that the groups gravitated towards more niche topics filled with useful information. Plus being there with others who were also going through hard times was a huge reminder that I'm not alone. My time there is just a great example of when taking a leap of faith into the unknown is totally worth it.

Throughout my time there, I kept a notebook with handwritten notes of every group I attended. I wanted to make sure I was taking it all in and making the most of my time, and taking notes has always helped me better engage. "Anger & Forgiveness" was one group I attended quite often.

As this sketchbook time-lapse plays [refer to youtube video] I want to share some of the first notes I took for this group; notes that really helped me and might help you too. Learning to understand and manage our anger can be a powerful step toward growth. This drawing, in particular, frustrated me, but instead of letting that frustration take over, I channeled it into the artwork. That’s why it felt right to include it with this topic.

PART ONE - IDENTIFYING ANGER, FINDING THE ROOT CAUSE AND BECOMING SELF-AWARE

First things first, we need to remember that anger is a natural human emotion that can serve as both a powerful motivator and a destructive force. It is essential that we know how to navigate anger effectively for personal growth, emotional healing, and maintaining healthy relationships. Through introspection and intentional change, we can move from reactive anger to a place of controlled response and understanding.

But what does all that really mean?

While anger often sits in a negative spotlight, it has more benefits to it than people may initially think of. It signals when something is wrong, pushes us to take action, and can provide a sense of empowerment. It can be a way of expressing ourselves. However, when left unchecked, anger can lead to relationship conflicts, self hate, health problems, and an inability to progress in life. Anger isn't inherently bad. This duality shows us that what we do with our anger is what actually defines it for us.

We also have to think about the source. Anger doesn't just show up. It's triggered. It builds up. It's derivative of stress, frustration, disappointment, trauma, unmet expectations, irritations, resentments, bad sleep, anxiety, injustice, abuse, or all of the above and beyond. Some personal triggers of mine include overstimulation, fear, insecurity, and feeling misunderstood or not heard. Recognizing these triggers is the first step towards addressing and transforming anger in a constructive way.

Understanding the "anger iceberg" emphasizes this idea. Imagine a huge iceberg; the point of it lays above the water, visible to all that surrounds it, but submerged under the water is the rest of the iceberg; the part no one really sees. Anger often masks deeper emotions such as guilt, shame, depression, exhaustion, envy, etc.

Once we recognize our triggers, we must learn how to then address the root cause of the anger we feel. Next time when you catch yourself feeling angry, instead of reacting impulsively, stop, and begin to observe.

Ask yourself: What is causing this anger? What lies beneath it that I am not facing? What do I actually need? And how can I ask for help on how to get what I need?

These questions can guide you towards addressing underlying concerns rather than solely focusing on the anger itself. If you have trouble recognizing what you're truly feeling, looking at a "feelings wheel" may be beneficial.

At this point, we've become self aware, which is crucial in anger management or any type of emotional regulation. Responding rather than reacting to anger inducing situations allows for better emotional processing. Taking a moment to step back can prevent the accumulation of unresolved negative emotions. This reminds me of a DBT skill called S.T.O.P. where you literally stop whatever you're doing in the midst of the anger, take a step back, observe, and proceed mindfully (hence the STOP acronym). Visualizing an actual stop sign is also helpful. If you don't know, DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy.

Additionally, self-forgiveness plays a vital role in healing. It isn't necessary to receive the forgiveness of others in order to move forward. That may make things more difficult but the reality is we may never get that. Or if you're angry at someone else's actions and not you're own, you may never receive an apology. What matters is taking accountability and making better choices in the future. Treating others better or knowing your worth, depending on who or what you're angry at. Regardless, we must find closure within.

Remember that healing is not a solitary journey. I know in my path towards self-forgiveness, I've thought that I'd be doing the world a favor if I completely self-isolated but I've realized this isn't the right path and I was being toxic and mean to myself. Our connection with others who care for us can provide guidance and support in managing our anger effectively.

For me, I've spent a long time angry at myself for my behavior towards those I cared deeply about. Self-forgiveness is still something I am reaching for but I just haven't gotten there yet. I've found myself trapped in shame and guilt cycles but I've learned slowly that you cannot hate yourself into loving yourself. Once we have that self compassion, we recognize that we are human and make mistakes. We just gotta do better the next time around. We are not too far gone. We are not unloved. We are not worthless. Our beings and role on this planet matter. If you're in this state of transition like me, moving from who you used to be to who you will be, keep listening. This next part we talk about transformation and how to achieve it.

PART TWO - STAGES OF CHANGE AND HOW TO IMPLEMENT THEM

We're going to break this down super simple where we look at personal transformation as it follows a series of stages:

1. Thinking about change - This is the part where we start to notice that something might need to shift. That gentle hmm... moment where we realize, "Maybe my anger is actually blocking me from the place I’m meant to be."

It’s not about harsh judgment, it’s about awareness.

Here’s a simple reminder of the steps for the next time you feel angry:

1. Catch the anger as it comes up. Rarely does it start at 100. Anger is something that grows.

2. Identify what triggered it.

3. Go deeper; what’s the real root underneath? Ask yourself why you're triggered.

If you’re still unsure why your anger feels like it’s getting in the way, chances are, it’s tied to the whole first half of this discussion, the part where we’re just starting to understand that something’s off, so before anything, we must become brave enough to face it.

2. Determination & Planning - This is where we set intentions and formulate a strategy in managing our anger. We have to think about what skills and tools work for us and prepare to actually use them in those angry moments, but how do we do this?

I've been in situations where there's a large amount of resistance within me to pause and reframe my mindset. It becomes the last thing I want to do in an angry moment. But with practicing self awareness & mindfulness and just having put myself through the emotional ringer a few times, I've done a better job at remembering that it's never to late to pause and come back to the situation with a calmer mindset. I remember that I want to do better, I deserve it and so do the others around me, and no amount of misdirected anger is going to help me align with me highest self, in fact it might make things worse. Becoming passionate about your why behind self improvement is key to overcoming that resistance and flowing with the motions instead.

I'd also like to mention something I find quite beautiful: if you're angry at someone you love, remembering how much you love this person can also help you channel your anger in a more productive way, allowing your heart to open up and letting love be your navigator.

Changing angry behaviors leads to less pain and hurt for ourselves and those around us. Establishing clear intentions, such as stepping away in moments of heightened emotion can shift everything in the best way. I want to emphasize that walking away from a situation does not mean it will never be resolved; rather, it provides space for a healthier and more productive conversation later on. Recognizing the value of patience, trust, and long-term solutions helps break destructive cycles and encourages meaningful growth.

Now some skills to actually use in an angry moment. I've found that holding an ice cube can help calm me down if I'm feeling really heated (pun intended). Any sort of contact with cold temperature like that can help completely reset the mind and nervous system. A cold shower works too. Maybe you're a journal-er; if so, try writing out everything you're feeling angry about on paper instead of going off on someone else, for example. Then get creative with it. Burn it. Or glue it on a canvas and paint over it. If you like to track things and/or lack self awareness, you'd probably benefit from an anger awareness chart. It's basically a worksheet with a chart that helps you journal about exactly whats going on with your anger from physical sensations to writing about the consequences.

There's tons of different tools you can use to channel your anger but these are some I've found to be very beneficial.

3. Action - We've finally reached the point where we're putting these skills into action. We're taking real, tangible steps toward change. The knowledge we've gained is now showing up in our conversations, making them more productive and grounded. We're learning to pause, reflect, and take a step back when needed. We're becoming more mindful of how our anger influences our actions and we're choosing to reframe our thoughts in ways that uplift and motivate, rather than drag ourselves or others down. This is good. We start to feel better.

4. Maintenance - It's one thing to acknowledge where you could do better and then make a better choice once but then never again because you just fall back into the cycle somehow. Sustaining these actions over time is where true growth takes place. It’s not just about having the tools, it’s about consistently choosing to use them, even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. Growth becomes real when these mindful choices become second nature, when the pause before reacting becomes a habit, and when reframing challenges becomes our default. It’s in the everyday practice, the small moments of awareness, and the commitment to showing up better each time that lasting transformation unfolds. This is how change solidifies: through patience, persistence, and the belief that we’re worthy of that growth.

5. Slips & Relapses - Sometimes, after a long streak of handling our anger in healthy ways, a moment hits where it overcomes us and it feels like we’ve undone all our progress. But the truth is, slipping up doesn’t erase the growth we’ve achieved. Anger is a powerful emotion, and learning to navigate it takes time, patience, and self-compassion. One reactive moment doesn’t mean we’ve failed, it means we’re human. What matters is how we choose to move forward: by acknowledging what triggered us, reflecting without shame, and using it as a reminder of how far we've come.

Growth and healing aren't linear! Each time we come back to our tools, even after a setback, we reinforce real, lasting change.

CONCLUSION - BREATHE, YOU GOT THIS!

If all of this feels a little overwhelming, don’t stress it. Just take it one step at a time. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out overnight. Honestly, just understanding why change matters can be super motivating. It can lead to better relationships, a deeper connection with yourself, more peace, and just a clearer, lighter vibe overall. Learning things like self-control, compassion, and acceptance helps you feel more balanced emotionally and mentally. Ultimately, the real reason to grow should come from wanting a better life, for you and for the people around you.

You’ve got this, and it’s okay to move through it with love, patience, and care.

That especially applies when it comes to managing anger. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about showing up for yourself each day with intention. There will be moments where it feels easy and others where it really doesn’t, but that’s where practice, patience, and perseverance come in. Planning ahead can help you respond instead of react, and staying committed to your long-term goals will keep you grounded through the ups and downs. It’s also about owning your actions, believing you *can* do better, and remembering that you *do* have control over your responses, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Growth takes time, but every effort counts.

In conclusion, navigating anger and other emotions is a journey. It takes commitment, self-reflection, and intentional action. While anger can be intense and overwhelming, learning to meet it with awareness, patience, and optimism leads to a deeper sense of emotional freedom and empowerment. Setbacks will happen, that’s normal. But if you keep showing up, keep learning, and keep choosing growth, you’ll build a life that feels more balanced, fulfilling, and truly your own.