this summer killed me

this summer killed me over and over again.
a shrieking sun of self sabotage and wreckage;
burning, circling above.

i heard a small voice calling for me below,
but there i went, released from the soft grasp of an innocent child,
one full of wonder and love.
like a lost balloon, i floated away from her.

overwhelmed with thought and rage,
i ascended into my own demise,
doomed to discover nothing else but a scolding fire,
boiling over me, her, and everyone that i never dared let go of, no matter what they said.

i held on, spinning,
still, i didn’t care enough in any of the right places.
everything disintegrated at every turn.

then i saw the marks i made on their skin,
even after i crossed my heart and hoped to die.

i realized i couldn’t hear her anymore.
those i held too close were finally able to escape.

i collapsed, i cried, defeated, pathetic.
how could i do this to them?
for now i am one with the summer, the burning, the fire, the sun.
i melt into the meaningless regret i formed from my broken promises.
and with that i stick a needle in my eye
as i sink into the dusk.

so autumn,
i beg of you;
blow me back and forth until i find my way back to her,
spread my ashes with your shattered leaves.
let me be until i am better than the version you bury beneath.
then break this cycle as i rise through your branches that hover me.
and this time around, i’ll make sure she’s there with me,
holding on tight, into the dawn,
at peace with the sun.